My boyfriend is having lunch with his ex. Right now. As I type this in my favorite coffee shop in Manhattan, New York.

Some of you may have read that and thought, “Wow! That is so awesome that she’s cool with that!” Others of you might have thought, “Why on Earth would she be OK with him doing this?”

Well, if I told you that I’m here, chillin' like a villain, I would be lying SO HARD to you.

I’m anxious. There’s a lump in my throat, my chest feels heavy, and I have a pit in my stomach. My first reaction is to call a friend and talk this through, but today I decided to sit with myself, write down my thoughts and feelings, and share them with you.

Let me give you some context. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost six months, and we’ve had an incredible time together. This doesn’t mean we’ve been happy every single day, because let’s be real… relationships are hard! Especially since we’ve moved pretty quickly. We met in January, became official in March, I moved in in May, and we flew to New York (his hometown) for six weeks on our way to Mexico, where we signed a lease for a year.

I know… we are crazy. But I believe that when something feels like a FUCK YES, I can’t ignore it. I go with it, and honestly, that mentality has never steered me wrong. It hasn’t this time either.

When I say we’ve had an incredible six months, I mean we’ve BOTH put in a lot of time and effort to get to know one another, have challenging conversations about everything, and mend high-tension situations and triggers as they’ve arisen.

At the beginning of our relationship, we discussed whether or not we wanted to be in an open relationship. I’ve considered myself open for a long time. I’ve practiced solo polyamory for a while, which means I’ve been in multiple casual, romantic-adjacent relationships simultaneously with no commitment to anyone. This has taught me to be bold and honest with my partners 100% of the time (with some stumbles along the way, because let’s remember… no one is perfect).

During this discussion, he mentioned an ex back home who’s still in his life, and whenever they see each other, there’s a romantic/sexual connection. I respected this and told him I didn’t want to intrude on a relationship that had already been established. He and she talked and decided to transition their dynamic to a purely platonic one. He expressed that his priority is to establish a solid, secure connection with me. I’ve gotta be real… I was elated. I was grateful that we could focus on us, and after lots of honest, long conversations, we decided it would be best to be monogamous for the time being and foreseeable future. We agreed that maybe in the future, when we both feel the time is right, we can discuss what it would look like to open up our relationship, but for now… it’s all about us.

This woman I’m talking about is the person he’s having lunch with now, so of course, I’m feeling all sorts of things about it.

The reason I’m supporting his engagement with her on a platonic level is because he’s expressed how important she is to him. He’s told me how much he cares for her, loves her, and how she cherishes him as well. Even though my body is screaming DANGER at the thought of them connecting, my brain says I want to support him in keeping connections that matter because, as we all know… solid people we feel a close connection to are hard to come by.

So, here I am at a coffee shop, writing how this is making me feel, working through the icky feelings, and moving towards a place of compersion.

Let’s give the anxiety a voice, shall we?

I understand there’s a paradox between my brain and my body.

My brain thinks, “I’m a sex coach and educator! I support couples of all orientations and lifestyles to have amazing, secure relationships! I’m cool! I’m with it! I’m secure and totally fine with all of this. I know I have nothing to worry about!”

But my body? Well… that’s a different story…

The lump in my throat is screaming, “DANGER DANGER! Be insecure! Don’t you see that she could steal him away from you? Don’t you see they love each other and have history? How are you supposed to compete with that?” The heaviness in my chest is saying, “What if they spend all day together? What if he remembers how amazing she is and decides you’re not good enough? What if he comes back tonight, telling you he’s going to see her again and again while you’re in town?! How are you going to handle THAT anxiety and stress?” The pit in my stomach, which makes me feel like I might throw up any minute, is simply telling me, “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”

As you can see, my body has a lot more to say than my brain.

So, how do I know who to listen to? How do I know this isn’t a gut feeling that something is wrong versus a fear rooted in insecurity?

Well, if I attune to my intuition at this moment, truthfully, my gut tells me I’m OK. Amidst the chaos happening in my body, I somehow feel calm enough to sit at a coffee shop (looking cute as hell, by the way), take some deep breaths (whew), and write this out to you. It’s also important to note that my nervous system feels calm around my partner. He soothes me and has invited me into every step of this process. I’ve been present for it all. We’ve been together nearly 24/7 since we met and have worked together to get to this place. I’m proud of that.

Well, now we know. This feeling in my body is fear. It’s insecurity. It’s coming from a place of low self-worth. The running theme of these feelings is what my stomach is telling me… I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

That sucks.

How did I get here? Why do I feel this way?

It’s important in these moments to step back and remember how attachment works. I’m a human who is attached to this person. He is my safe place. The person I’m building a life with. Whether I like it or not, everything he does and says to me will always deeply affect me merely because I love him and have grown attached to him. This goes for him as well. Everything I do and say will affect him whether he likes it or not. It’s attachment. By the way, both of our attachment styles are anxious/secure. What a combo! Honestly… it’s been quite awesome, to say the least.

I digress.

The question I’m reflecting on here is WHY. Why do I feel such a deep sense of insecurity? Attachment is the answer. Since he is my safe haven, my body goes into fight-or-flight mode. My body thinks I’m in danger. My safe haven is being compromised. There’s a level of uncertainty that my body is having a hard time dealing with. I know this. I understand this. Which is why I’m sitting here, writing this out instead of yelling at him not to go. That is not the answer. These are moments I know I can get through because I understand where they come from. And I’m so freaking grateful I do.

Despite knowing all of this, the biggest and most important reason I’m OK with this and actually encouraging and supporting it is because I want a relationship rooted in security, freedom, and unshakeable TRUST. At the end of the day, that’s the goal. To have my partner be able to do whatever with whoever and know deep in my heart that everything is more than OK. I’m OK. He’s OK. We’re OK. 

I’ve learned the hard way that setting up rules and regulations in a relationship (as opposed to boundaries for safety) never works. It makes you and your partner feel trapped, suffocated, unable to breathe. I know what that feels like, and I never want to feel that again. I also want my partner to never feel that way with me.

I desire for him to be a free man, to make his own decisions, to CHOOSE to love and respect me, to CHOOSE to do things that align with our connection and joy. This way, I’ll know it’s truly authentic. When it comes from him and I can sit back and relax… well, THAT IS THE DREAM.

The thing about making that dream a reality is that IT’S FUCKING HARD. This right here, right now, is the hard part, but dammit… I’ve gotta say I feel pretty proud of myself for being here.

Now, I’m not going to end this with some “happily ever after” bullshit. Keeping it real, I don’t know what will happen later tonight. Maybe I’ll get triggered AF, and we’ll have to have some really hard conversations about it. Maybe I will break out into tears the moment I stop typing and my cute ass mascara will run all over my face (been there). Maybe I’ll see him and feel great! Maybe I’ll even meet her, and we’ll get along just fine. I have no idea what the rest of the day will bring, but what I do know for certain is this…

I’m human. I get to feel these feelings. I get to be kind and patient with myself in my own process. I get to express these to my partner. And I get to (imperfectly) continue to work towards the beautiful DREAM of a relationship that is secure, honest, and most importantly, FREE.

Update:

Unfortunately, the experience took a bit of a left turn with some boundaries being crossed. I am grateful that everyone involved has taken responsibility and is actively working toward mending this. I am hopeful that in the future we will be able to revisit this and move forward with it. Life isn't always easy or mess free, but it is always evolving and that is a beautiful thing.