As a sex and intimacy coach, writing this piece is not fun for me. It’s not fun to admit that I, myself, am going through some intimacy issues in real time. Not something I have overcome YET, but actively working on. I am writing this because I feel it is time to allow my community in. I have been in hiding for a few months because of this stuff. Feeling so much shame around it and just hoping it would go away so that I can continue to do my work in peace. Of course… that never works! Things just don’t go away. We have to work on them. 

It is a strange feeling to feel disempowered as a sex and intimacy coach while working with clients you are trying to empower. It doesn’t feel great. I often have felt like a fraud in the last several months. 

When I began my practice, I prided myself on Jocelyn Silva Sex Coaching being an open book, having integrity, being compassionate, and always speaking truth. 

So, I now feel it’s time to uphold my core values by sharing this truth with you. Enjoy. 

Well, Hello There Anxious Attachment…

Anxious attachment… yuck! Even the title of this experience gives me a knot in my stomach. 

I have always known my attachment style was on the spectrum of anxious to secure, but the anxiety has never gotten this bad. The last 2 months (and a bit the few months prior), this anxiety monster has particularly become bigger, more powerful, and more difficult to control than ever. You see, I have never been in the situation that I am currently in before. 

I fell madly in love with my current partner back in March 2024. We created a dream to build a life together, travel the world, work online, and help as many people as possible. I was excited and ready for this life to begin! But the last several months, I have been drowning in a pit of despair and anxiety due to this attachment style. Our lives still haven’t fully begun. 

At first, I had a few triggers here and there that were not dealt with in the healthiest manner. I was able to acknowledge my wrongdoings, apologize, and move forward doing better the next time. As our plans became more serious, however, and our lives continued to become more intertwined, I realized that there was WAY more to lose than just the relationship, and so my anxious attachment flared like never before. 

I got myself into therapy in September (my therapist is amazing btw!), and began working on the anxiety piece, but at the time, I wasn’t clear that what I was experiencing was anxious attachment. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Something wrong with my relationship. Something wrong that I couldn’t put my finger on. It is such a strange feeling to be in flight or fight mode with nothing being wrong and trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong when it feels like the entire world is falling on top of you. SUCH A WEIRD ASS FEELING! Truly a feeling of psychosis or as I just learned, in yoga it is called avidya which means misconceptions or misunderstandings. When you perceive something to be true. You are convinced that it is, but alas, you realize… it was all in your head and it is not. 

My Symptoms 

I knew something was wrong. I knew that something was not totally right with me when I wasn’t able to make rational decisions or healthy ones like I know I am capable of. The thing with having anxious attachment is that your anxiety will convince you that the thing that is wrong is OUTSIDE of you, not you. When in actuality it is YOU. It is your body’s way of reminding you of a trauma or experience you had when you were a kid (more on that later). 

I think it is also important to note that my partner and I have been attached at the hip literally since we met. We met, hung out, and I never left his side. So, of course now that we are traveling (we moved to Mexico together), getting into new routines, and figuring life out together, the stability has been shaky and therefore challenging to ground myself. Also important to note that since we have met, all we have done is move. We moved from LA to Staten Island, from Staten Island to Manhattan, back to Staten Island, to Playa del Carmen, and now to Tulum. No wonder my nervous system hasn’t been able to catch a break. The lack of stability has definitely played a role and I can see all of that now. 

This is not to justify my behavior or to make excuses, however, I do believe that it is important to zoom out and see the whole picture for what it is. It’s also helpful for me to see my life for what it has been. 

So, how did I FINALLY fucking realize the problem was my attachment style?

• I have been unable to self-regulate my emotions 

• My emotions have absolutely gotten the best of me and it has been extremely challenging to get myself to a place of peace and safety. I am realizing now that why this has been is because I have been seeing the problem as outside of me, not as something that is within me.

• Boundaries have been challenging for me to accept and implement 

• This one is very hard for me to admit, but the truth of the matter is that I have been really struggling with this. When I am in such a deep state of anxiety, it feels almost impossible for me to see past my own nose. I am unable to see my partner’s boundaries as an opportunity for them to be their best selves and instead I perceive it as a rejection of me. I have also had a hard time setting the boundaries I have been needing to set for myself due to the deep fear of abandonment. It is clear to me now that this has been the case and I am so ready to change this for good. 

• I seek constant reassurance from my partner instead of giving it to myself 

• Again, another one to admit, but also fucking true… It almost feels like word vomit, but I don’t realize how damaging this can be not only to my mental health as it keeps me in a perpetual state of fear, but also for my partner’s attraction towards me and their own mental health. 

• I am hyper fixated on what they are doing and constantly wondering what they are thinking

• This one is EXHAUSTING! Have you ever tried to read someone’s mind 24/7? Well, give it a try… you will see how insane you’ll feel lol. Also… it’s impossible because NO ONE can read ANYONE’S mind. 

I am so incredibly grateful for the amount of awareness that I have obtained through reading, learning, and my partner being so incredibly patient with me. 

Last night was really the last straw for me when he told me that my constant need for reassurance was stagnating his growth. I can understand hurting one another eventually in partnership (it happens), but I cannot continue to be the reason why he cannot fully reach his highest potential. 

I know that his patience has been wearing thin, but I am so eternally grateful for his kindness and love. He deserves the same amount of love, patience, and kindness in return… this and so so so much more. 

This Isn’t My Fault… But It IS My Responsibility 

So, how the fuck did I become so anxiously attached?! 

Well, this has been an interesting puzzle for me to ponder. Most people say that anxious attachment is due to some sort of abandonment, but to be honest, I have never been abandoned. I have always had a very loving and attentive family. But, perhaps, TOO attentive. 

You see, I believe I am the way I am because of my mother. Now, don’t get me wrong, my mom is awesome. She is kind, loving, dedicated to self-improvement, generous, and is always there for me when I need her. We have a beautiful relationship now, but growing up was a different story. 

In order to understand my childhood, let’s talk about my mother’s childhood. My mom never really had a mother and she herself was a victim of neglect. My grandmother was never really there for her and my mom says she has memories of her mother ignoring her cries and just never really being attentive. My grandmother was more concerned with her partners and chasing men than taking care of her. My mother was always in some ways rejected by her mother. I honestly cannot imagine what this even feels like… I know my mom had it really rough growing up. 

Fast forward to her having me. I am always told how WILDLY excited my mom was that I was a girl! She said she was so excited to have her little “companera” which means “sidekick” in Spanish. When I was little, my mom was my best friend. She took me everywhere and we did everything together. I loved spending time with my mom. When I began to grow older, however, I remember spending time together started to feel more like a chore and I would be guilt tripped if I didn’t want to do things with her. 

Things I remember from my childhood:

• Sleeping with my mom in her room (because when I was a kid, my parents slept in separate rooms), and telling her I wanted to sleep in my room, then her saying, “No, sleep with me please!” Then, begrudgingly sleeping there because I felt bad for wanting to sleep alone. 
• Wanting to hang out with my cousins instead of her and her getting angry with me
• Me watching TV late at night on the couch and her getting upset that I wasn’t sleeping with her in bed 
• Wanting to pay for my own phone bill in my teens and her getting angry instead of celebrating my independence 
• Me applying and getting accepted for a one year City Year experience teaching inner city kids after school programs where I would move to Downtown LA and live with other folx in the program and her telling me I couldn’t go 

The list goes on. All of those moments, I am now realizing that my mother had an anxious attachment towards me. She was so scared of me abandoning her. She was so worried that I would leave her side and she would be alone because she didn’t have anyone. Her marriage with my father was so cold and distant, she didn’t have a life outside of work and us, her kids. She had completely abandoned herself and made me her lifeline. As a kid, that was a lot to carry. I never felt that I could have my own independence or be my fucking self for one minute. I constantly doubted myself and I constantly felt that I couldn’t trust my own judgments. 

Even as an adult, she would still ask things of me that had nothing to do with her. Like asking me to never get a tattoo or smoke weed. I told her she could no longer tell me what I can or cannot do with my life. She doesn’t have that power. She cannot control me as much as she wanted to. 

As I am writing this, I feel so much for my little self. I remember being so scared of being abandoned by boys growing up. Feeling so scared that someone would leave me. Being so worried and preoccupied about others instead of myself. As I said before, I knew I have always had anxious attachment, but now at 34 years old and in this beautiful relationship, I can see it’s really time for me to take this healing to the next level.

One of my favorite things I heard recently about anxious attachment is this… 

It is not my fault that I have been raised with this attachment style. However, it is 100% MY RESPONSIBILITY to heal it. 

So, here I am… on my first step to healing it. 

Reverse Engineering

Usually when coaches write to you about their struggles and pain points, it comes from a place of “I went through this and this is how I got through it.” 

I have gone through so much when it comes to my sexual healing journey. 

• Healing Catholic trauma and shame around my sexual expression 
• Learning to be a person of integrity and speak my truth always 
• Learn to love my body and accept myself as I am 
• Learn the ins and outs of my sexual expression and embrace every bit of it 
• Heal through childhood sexual trauma 
• Learn to communicate my needs effectively and clearly 
• Learn to listen to my partner’s sexual needs and fulfill them to the best of my ability 

Again, the list goes on. 

Other accomplishments in my life-

• Healing my binge eating habits. I can proudly say I no longer binge eat! 
• Building my sex and intimacy coaching business 
• Getting on a fitness journey that gave me the love of weight lifting and healthy eating 
• Learning how to do headstands. This was always something that scared me so much! 
• Obtaining my 2 degrees 
• Building a fruitful community and network
• Traveling the world and having a blast doing it! 

But, when it comes to this… my anxious attachment, it is different. 

I am not coming to you at the end of this healing journey. I am writing to you from the beginning. 

My healing journey officially begins now. For my sake, for my inner child’s sake, for my partner’s sake, and in loving honor to my mother’s inner child too. That little girl deserved so much more than what she got and I owe it to her to make these changes. 

So… What Now?

One year challenges have always been a thing I loved to do! In the past, I have accomplished a one year-

• Flip phone challenge where I used a flip phone instead of a smartphone (although the year got cut short when I got a job at a tech company and needed the smartphone for work) 
• Curly hair challenge where I didn’t straighten my hair for a year! Now, 8 years later, I never straighten it!
• Vegan challenge where I went vegan for a year. It turned into 4 years and it was so fun and awesome! 
• No social media challenge. Boy, what a peaceful year that was! 

You catch my drift. I love dedicating one year to an area of my life that will improve my confidence and self esteem and so you guessed it! I am giving myself a one year SECURE ATTACHMENT CHALLENGE. 

Beginning November 4, 2024 (yesterday), I am dedicating this next year to becoming securely attached using these principles from various sources such as the book Attached and influencer, Margarita Nazarenko who talks a lot about healing anxious attachment- 

• I am responsible for my partner’s well-being. Now, you may be thinking, Jocelyn, isn’t healing anxious attachment all about NOT thinking about your partner? Well, not exactly. You see, I may not be responsible for his happiness, his success, or his life in general, however, as his partner, I AM responsible for ensuring that nothing I do or say gets in the way of his well-being. I am in his life to ENHANCE his life, not to make it worse. 
• Learning how to self-soothe and regulate my own nervous system. I used to be really great at this! I am out of practice now, but I am excited to get back on it. For me this looks like breathing, talking to my little self, and saying really kind things to myself. I also love meditating and making gratitude lists! 
• Effective communication skills. For me, this is all about turning the, “Why don’t you…” to “This is what I would like.” Being clear and concise. Being honest and kind. Not critical or anxiously asking for more than what my partner can give. 
• Putting the focus back on me. I hate to admit this, but I have definitely lost sight of myself in the last few months. It’s OK. It happens, but now it’s time to pour back into me. What this looks like for me- 

1. Spending time with friends and family 
2. Getting back to my fitness goals 
3. Cooking all of my meals 
4. Learning a new skill (I am thinking of aerial yoga classes!) 
5. Buying cute clothes that makes me feel sexy for me! 
6. Reading books that expand my knowledge 
7. Dancing!!! God, I miss dancing! 
8. Giving my business my ALL and sharing all of my wisdom with YOU!
9. Taking some time every week to spend quality time with me <3 
10. Taking the time to spend fun and quality time with my partner. He deserves the best of me, so this is why we pour from a full, not an empty cup. 
• Practicing empathy. Like I previously mentioned, when one is filled with anxiety, it can feel almost impossible to see another person’s perspective. Showing empathy for me is repeating back what my partner is sharing and asking for and then pretending I am the one asking for this. Then, asking myself what do I have to do to ensure I am able to provide this to him. 

• Implement personal boundaries and respect my partner’s. Straightforward and wildly important. 

• Ability to disagree with respect. When one is anxiously attached, the ability to have your own thoughts kind of goes away. I commit to having my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions about things and sticking to them. 
• Fall in love with myself all over again. I have fallen in and out of love with myself throughout my entire life as many of us do. The beauty of falling out of love is being able to work on falling IN LOVE again. I do this by continuing to do things that make me swoon for me. Being a person I think is DOPE AF and being a person that when I look in the mirror, I can’t believe I get to be me!

I know this journey is not going to be an easy one, but I am ready for the challenges! I have overcome many things in the past, and so this will be overcome as well. 

I am worth it and the people I love are worth it too.