Let’s talk about sexual shame.

No, really—let’s talk about it. Not in the whispery, eyes-darting-around-the-room way. Not in the ‘this is a super taboo topic, I shouldn’t even be thinking about it’ way. We’re going full-on, big, bold, and shameless today. Because, let’s be real, sexual shame has been cock-blocking (or vulva-blocking) you for way too long, and it’s time to break up with it once and for all. 

What Even Is Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is that little voice in your head that tells you your desires are wrong or dirty. It’s the feeling that makes you cringe when you think about pleasure, or the guilt that creeps in when you dare to explore your body. It’s the reason why so many people feel disconnected from their sexual selves. And the worst part? Most of us didn’t even sign up for it.

This shame doesn’t just appear out of nowhere—it’s passed down like an unwanted family heirloom, wrapped in layers of cultural norms, religious messaging, and outdated societal expectations. Whether it’s the way sex education (or lack thereof) framed sex as scary and dangerous, or the way media only celebrates certain types of bodies and desires, we’ve all been conditioned to feel some level of discomfort around our own pleasure.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From? (Hint: Not From You!)

Sexual shame is like that annoying guest at a party who wasn’t invited but somehow still showed up and made themselves comfortable. And trust me, the sources of this shame are plentiful:

• Cultural Conditioning – If you grew up in a household where sex was never discussed (or only talked about in hushed tones), you might have internalized the idea that sexuality is something to hide, not celebrate.

• Religious Messaging – Many of us were taught that sex outside of certain contexts is sinful, shameful, or morally wrong. This can leave deep-rooted guilt, even in adulthood.

• Sex Education (or Lack Thereof) – If your sex ed class consisted of terrifying images of STIs and an emphasis on just say no, chances are, you didn’t get the message that sex can be a beautiful and pleasurable part of life.

• Media and Porn Influence – While porn and mainstream media can be fun, they often promote unrealistic standards about what sex should look like, which can make real-life intimacy feel awkward or inadequate.

• Personal Experiences – Maybe you had a moment in your life where you felt shamed for your desires, body, or sexual expression. A single experience of judgment can have long-term effects on how we view ourselves.

Why Should You Care? (Aka, How Sexual Shame is Messing With Your Life)

Sexual shame doesn’t just sit quietly in the corner of your mind—it actively affects your relationships, self-esteem, and even your body. Here’s how:

• It Makes You Feel Unworthy of Pleasure – If you believe that sex is shameful, you might struggle to fully enjoy it or allow yourself to experience deep pleasure.

• It Hurts Your Relationships – If you carry shame, you may have difficulty communicating your needs and desires with your partner(s), leading to misunderstandings and dissatisfaction.

• It Creates Body Disconnection – Sexual shame often makes people feel disconnected from their bodies, preventing them from fully embracing their sensuality and pleasure.

• It Blocks Confidence and Empowerment – Confidence in the bedroom often translates to confidence in life. When you feel empowered in your sexuality, that energy spills over into every area of your life.

So…How Do We Break Up With Sexual Shame?

Now for the fun part: healing! Because the beautiful truth is, sexual shame is not permanent. It’s something we can release, unlearn, and replace with self-acceptance and pleasure. Here’s how:

1. Start Talking About It

The more we talk about sex, pleasure, and shame, the less power those things hold over us. Find a safe space—whether it’s with a coach (hey, that’s me!), a trusted friend, or even a journal—and start expressing your thoughts about sexuality.

2. Get Curious About Your Shame

Instead of running away from sexual shame, get curious about it. Ask yourself: Where did this belief come from? Whose voice is this? Does this belief align with my values? Once you identify the root, you can begin to challenge it.

3. Reclaim Your Pleasure

One of the best ways to combat sexual shame is to own your pleasure. Take time to explore what feels good without judgment. Engage in self-pleasure, explore new sensations, and remind yourself that pleasure is your birthright.

4. Surround Yourself With Sex-Positive Content

Curate your social media feeds, books, and conversations to include more sex-positivity. Follow educators, read empowering books, and listen to podcasts that celebrate sexuality without shame.

5. Practice Body Gratitude

Your body is not an object of shame—it’s a masterpiece. Start treating it like one. Practice mirror affirmations, touch yourself with kindness, and engage in activities that make you feel sensual and alive.

6. Rewrite the Narrative

The old narrative told you that sex is shameful, that pleasure is wrong, that you’re not enough. But guess what? You get to write a new story. One where you embrace your desires, love your body, and reclaim your pleasure without guilt.

Final Thoughts: The Love Letter to Your Pleasure

Dear pleasure,

I’m sorry for all the times I ignored you, silenced you, or felt guilty about you. You were never the problem. The shame was. I’m choosing to unlearn the lies I was told about you. I’m choosing to explore you freely, without judgment. I’m choosing to love you.

Love, Me.

P.S. Sexual shame? We’re officially over.

Email me at [email protected] for more info on Shameless Desire, my 8-week group coaching program on healing sexual shame.