For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with losing myself in relationships. It’s not that I’m a controlling person—I don’t feel the need to dictate how things go in most areas of my life. But when it comes to love, something shifts. I find myself giving everything to the other person, molding myself to fit their needs, their desires, their expectations—until I barely recognize myself anymore. And honestly? That’s one of the things that led me straight into a 12-step program for love addiction.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but so much of my attachment to relationships is rooted in fear. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being chosen. I thought that if I just gave more, loved harder, sacrificed more of myself, I could make it work. But in doing that, I ended up betraying myself over and over again—ignoring my own needs, pushing aside my own desires, and forgetting to take care of me.

Through my own healing journey, I’ve learned that real peace doesn’t come from pouring all of myself into another person. It comes from surrendering to myself—trusting that I don’t have to lose who I am in order to be loved. It means setting boundaries, prioritizing my well-being, and letting go of the belief that love has to come at the cost of my own identity.

One of the things I still struggle with to this day is checking in with myself FIRST before expressing whether or not I would like to do something. My knee jerk reaction is to say YES, then feel bad because I actually meant to say no, or I just didn’t give myself the proper time to make an informed decision based on what I wanted at that moment. I still even today have to take a beat. Ask for a minute, so that I can check in with me and make sure I say what I want to say when I want to say it. 

Another awful result of this habit is not allowing people to be who they are. If I can’t be me, I feel threatened when someone is trying to be them. It is as if I want to trap someone in the mental trap that I am also in. What I have come to learn is that the more free I allow myself to be, the more free I will be comfortable with others being. I want my lovers to feel freedom, but that really does begin with ME. 

Here are some things that have helped me, and I hope they help you too:

1. I Recognize When I’m Self-Betraying
   I pay attention to the moments when I ignore my own needs for the sake of someone else’s. Am I saying yes when I really mean no? Am I prioritizing their happiness at the expense of my own? Awareness has been the first step to breaking this cycle for me. For example, my partner asked me if I wanted to jump in the hot tub with him last night. I was about to say YES, but then said this instead… “I would have been so down before I took a shower. Have fun and enjoy! I will join you another time.” Simple, not easy. Super fucking proud of me!
2. I Breathe Through the Discomfort of Putting Myself First
   If you’ve spent years putting others before yourself, prioritizing you will feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I take deep breaths and remind myself that my needs matter, too. When breaths don’t work, I go for a walk. When a walk doesn’t work, I scream into the abyss (into a pillow works too), or let out a nice cry. This always does the trick for me! At these moments I find I just need some type of release. What release works for you?
3. I Practice Small Acts of Self-Loyalty
   I started with little things—ordering the food I actually wanted, wearing what made me feel good, taking time for my passions. The more I honored myself in small ways, the easier it became to do it in bigger ways. Perfect example! Tomorrow I want to go salsa dancing and my partner isn’t crazy about it. My natural inclination is to not go because he doesn’t like it, but I have already promised myself I am going. I even invited a friend to come with me! 
4. I Trust That Love Shouldn’t Require Me to Shrink
   Real love doesn’t ask me to abandon myself. It doesn’t demand that I become smaller, quieter, or more accommodating to be worthy. I remind myself that I can be fully me and still be deeply loved. What’s funny is that my partner has been telling me this all along. He has told me multiple times to be myself, do me, and be happy. The fears come in, but I have to be stronger. The biggest fear is that if I am truly me, I will lose love… but again… love doesn’t require me to shrink. If that love is romantic love, amazing! If that love is platonic love, amazing! I can’t be scared of what life has in store for me all the time… this is when I really work on practicing letting go and surrendering to how life will happen as it will. 
5. I Find Something Bigger to Lean On
   Whether it’s spirituality, self-trust, or the belief that I deserve a love that honors all of me, finding something to anchor myself in has made surrender easier. For me, my 12-step program helped me see that I am whole on my own. Now that I am not in it, I am still figuring this one out, truthfully. I definitely feel that my friends and family are a big part of this. Making time and space for the people that matter the most to me outside of my romantic relationship and pouring into those relationships. 
6. I Am Gentle With Myself
   Unlearning self-betrayal is a process. Some days I do great, and other days I catch myself slipping back into old patterns. That’s okay. I keep coming back to me. Self compassion has been so important in my journey. Saying kind and loving things to myself always. I’m not perfect and my self-talk doesn’t always look pretty, but what I can say for sure is that I ALWAYS end with compassion. I catch myself, pivot, and say the kind things I need to hear from me. Only I know what I have been through and how far I have come, so I am beyond proud of myself for my journey. 

I won’t lie to you—this journey hasn’t been easy. There are still moments when I feel the pull to over-give, to over-sacrifice, to lose myself in someone else. But when I pause, breathe, and remind myself that I matter, too—that’s when the real magic happens.

Because love isn’t about disappearing into someone else. It’s about showing up fully as yourself, knowing that you are already enough.

So if you’re struggling to hold onto you in love, just know—I see you. I’ve been there. And I promise, when you choose yourself, when you surrender to your own worth… that’s where true freedom begins.